October 24, 2003 – Envy At High Holy Days
I was at temple a couple of weeks ago – I went to make my parents happy, and I can honestly say that I envied some of those in attendance. Envy – not exactly a great emotion to experience while at services commemorating the end of the High Holy Day, i.e. Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur – but it is what I felt, kind of. Now, the question is what was I pining for that I did not have? Clothes? – Nah. A better body? Well that would be nice, but wrong again. A really great guy at my side to share my life with? Once again, no. But, that would also be great. Nope, I was sitting there, watching folks go through the Machser (the book we use to go through High Holy Days Services) and saw that many of them truly believed what they were saying and reading. They had a faith that someone, somewhere had a larger plan that is engulfing all of us. That is what I envied, at least I think I envied.
It seems to me that some of us are hardwired differently – that religion and faith are not an automatic assumed condition that we accept without reservation. Then, there are others of us who, regardless of the religion they belong to, are accept organized religion and its teachings as, well, the gospel. I definitely fall in the former camp – I have a hard time with organized religion, with religious doctrine in general, and with anyone telling me this is how I have to live, because someone told him or her so in a book written by men thousands of years ago. Even if a book is inspired by God, one man is involved in writing down the words, or interpreting the message, it cannot be trusted. Maybe there is something to the whole big picture painted by the Bible/Torah, but I cannot trust it as a literal document.
Maybe it is just me, but since I am often questioning the right of others to dictate our thoughts and morals, regardless of whether the justification is political, religious, or social, I have an equally hard time accepting the religious teachings and rules put down by others. The funny thing is that though I am offended and put-off by others telling me how to live my life, I have been told that I am more “Christian” than many Christians out there in the way I lead my life and my beliefs: I have a very strong moral code about what is right and wrong, and Judeo-Christian values are often at the core of this code. I try to treat everyone with dignity and respect (though fail sometimes on the freeway), donate to charity (but not as much as I could perhaps) and in general, respect others beliefs and views. What I do not have is a faith that something tangible is out there guiding us; that somehow things will be OK.
Which leads me to wonder, am I a stronger or weaker person for my lack of faith? Life would certainly be easier if I had faith that something, somewhere was looking over us. Arguably a religious belief system gives you the ability to stop thinking all the time, and rely on others for guidance, direction and certain decision making. There is a look in the eyes of many of those who have a deep faith that seems to be almost otherworldly – either it is a total abandonment of free will, or it is a realization of greater knowledge. I tend to think it is the former, but sometimes wonder whether or not it is in fact the later.
Free will – that is my sticking point in this whole discussion. If you go back to the basic, God allegedly gave man the gift of free will. This separated man from the animals and made us special. Most organized religions require you to give up this gift in order to follow their rules, teachings and guidance. I just cannot get over the issue of having to abandon free will and critical thinking in order to have the faith necessary to really be a part of any organized religion. To me, and again, I am only speaking for me, the abandonment of free will is tantamount to returning to a lower form of life: free will is what makes us a more advanced species, it is the cornerstone to critical reasoning, and it is what makes us able to better ourselves by questioning circumstances and changing things accordingly. Free will is what makes us human.
I have seen free will abandoned, and often times, it is not a pretty sight: Communist China during the Cultural Revolution; the Crusades; Nazi Germany; the American South; America during the “Red Scare”; the Branch Davidians; Muslim Terrorists; the Christian far right; all of these movements were and are successful because their followers abandoned their free will in favor of the group-think. All of these extremist movements regardless of their shape, color or composition, involve abandoning free will. To me, there is a very thin line, perhaps none at all, between embracing religious doctrine and beliefs and becoming the puppet and/or pawn of those leading the religion. This is why I believe I do not have religious faith: it is not the religion I necessarily distrust, but the men and women behind the various religious groups that I question.
I also have a personal view that if indeed there is an actual Devil, that he made up organized religion just to suit his agenda and mess with all of our heads. Face it, there has been more death, damage and despair inflicted on others in the name of God than in anyone else’s. Think of it, there are three major world religions that are involved in most of the religion inspired mayhem and violence: Christianity (which for this argument includes Catholicism and all branches of the religions following the Jesus/Son of God teachings,) Judaism, and Islam. Now, all three of these branches come off of the same tree, with the same basic story. There are twists and turns that are unique to each, but when you get to the core teachings, many of them are the same. What better way to serve an overriding evil then to have man resorting to his base, violent tendencies to fight something and someone that is basically, a brother or a cousin. You got to admit, that if there is a Devil, he has to have a hand in all of this divisiveness created in the name of God, especially since if any of these religions are correct, there is only one God. It would be funny and not just a bit ironic if all three branches are right – who says there is only one answer on a multiple choice question – sometimes the answer is “all of the above.”
This leads me back to faith, and my lack of it. What do I do? Am I a stronger person because I have all of these questions and refuse to abandon my free will? Or, does the truly strong person have faith despite knowing the risks involved? Is the actual strength shown by giving in a relying on a greater power, regardless of your personal misgivings? I have some very good friends who hold very deep religious beliefs – some of them are nothing short of brilliant, and I cannot for the life of me figure out who is the strong and who is the weak – me or them. I do not know which of us is in fact the better person. All I know is that somehow, somewhere, I was not wired to have faith, at least the kind demonstrating by organized religion. Life would be so much easier if I were wired in such a way, because then I could sleep at night knowing that something, somewhere, was taking care of all of the crap that we get ourselves into. I would sleep easier. I would question less, and perhaps would not be ranting today. Life would definitely be easier. Unfortunately, I do not think that I would be a better person for it.