November 10, 2003 - Driving and Cell Phones - Damn, I am Already Annoyed.

This week's rant is dedicated to two of the most annoying parts of my daily life - commuting and the perpetuation of cell phones throughout the free world.  As you can well imagine, the annoyances overlap at times when the most heinous of drivers are also on cell phones.  For the past couple of weeks I have been buried at work (hence no Rants for a bit).  I tried to look on the bright side of things and thought – well, at least my commute will be shorter if I am leaving before 7:00 a.m. and coming home after 7:00 p.m.  Wrong, Wrong, Wrong, Wrong, Wrong.

My daily commute.  Otherwise known as hell on wheels - and I have a short commute at that.    Can someone please explain to me where some folks learned to drive, and when driving became an exercise in ego, entitlement and indifference?  Why do these fools in SUVs the size of small European countries feel that just because their vehicle is the size of a small passenger bus that the rules of common courtesy as well as driving laws are inapplicable to their person and their behemoth?  You know who I am talking about.  These asses in Navigators who are talking on their cell phones with one hand, smoking cigarettes with another, or putting on makeup, or reading the paper, or doing something distracting, while merging into traffic at the very end of an bi-directional ramp, well after the "All Cars Must Exit" sign.  It makes me want to scream.  It is one thing to see some poor schnook trying in vain to change lanes and no one letting him in, and then he being forced to push in at the last minute.  These folks usually use the lost art of turn signals.  It is quite another to see someone accelerate to the very end of the ramp and force herself in because her car is so damn large that other drivers fear for their physical safety if they do not yield to her mechanical battering ram. 

Oh yeah, somehow the rules apply to everyone else, are of not consequence to them.  Driving courtesy, as well as a few municipal laws, don't matter, and the consequences of their actions - slowing up everyone else because the flow of traffic is interrupted by their forced entry into a driving lane that is already occupied, is someone else's problem.  Yeah it is someone else's problem - mine.  Man, if I had a beater car, I would be so rich from insurance claims from these fools . . . But, alas, I fear even if I had a beater car, my instincts for self-preservation would cause me to stop and react to these aggressive asses and their battering rams - cursing all the while at their actions.

Then there are the folks who think that parking restrictions do not apply to them.  Some streets that are very heavily traveled during the daily commute restrict parking during the peak commute hours, usually something like 7-9 am and 4-7 pm.  Yet, some folks think that these laws do not apply to them, and will park on the street regardless of what the sign says.  If the police would just ticket and tow these cars that are impeding traffic, we would not only get home that much quicker, but increase our revenue a bit in the process.  I have seen many an accident almost happen because all of a sudden you have to stop for a car that is not supposed to be there.  One day, I would just like to plow into the back of one and say "oops, so sorry.'  But then, I would somehow be found responsible, get sued for some injury that did not exist, and have my insurance go up 50%.  So, instead, all I can hope for is a good ticket and tow and curse them as I change lanes to avoid their illegal parking practices.  Man, if there is anything in the way of parking karma out there, some folks are due for one big IOU.

What about those lovely folk who smoke when they drive, and see no problem with sharing their habit the streets and cars around them.  You know what, destroy your lungs, get cancer, have yellow teeth, I do not really care.  BUT DO NOT FLICK YOUR ASHES OUT OF YOUR CAR'S WINDOW!   Those that do this are thoughtless pigs, and if justice is ever served, their dumped ashes will fly right back into their laps and permanently damage some very treasured private parts.  (Now is the part where I cross my fingers, closed my eyes, and hope against hope . . . .)    Nothing drives me crazier than seeing someone flicking off an ash of a cigarette right in front of me - you know, I really do not want your hot ash hitting me or my car.  If you want to smoke, then keep it in your car.  Do not share it or its residue with me.

Now we get to the coup de grace - those who use cell phones while doing everything, including driving.  I will admit that I have, on rare occasion (probably no more than 15 times in my life) had to use my cell phone while in the car.  But, this is an exception, not the rule, and every time I use the phone while driving, I get nervous and think, I need to get off - so I can pay attention to the fools around me.  Driving in Los Angeles is hazardous enough on a good day, but add in folks who are distracted by their conversation about what happened last night at the bar, how they hate their boss, or those flailing their arms around as the animatedly speak, and you are asking for disaster.  How many times have you seen someone driving recklessly or irregularly, only to find when you approach their car that they are on the phone involved in some conversation.  I just want to scream - GET OFF THE DAMN PHONE AND DRIVE.  I am sure you have felt the same way at times.  And why is it that many of the fools on the phone also seem to have these same super-sized SUVs?  All I can think of is that they are over-compensating for some other missing feature - maybe cell phones and SUVs are the penile extensions of the 21^st century.

You know what; cell phones are going to be the end of civilization as we know it.  They have transformed folks into thoughtless, rude, self-involved squawkers who see no harm in ignoring others while they speak, or sharing their most personal information with the uninterested and disgusted general public.  It is one thing to be at Costco or Pavilions and call your significant other and say "honey, what did you need?"  It is quite another to be discussing your latest medical procedure while in line to pay for your groceries, and to continue talking while someone is ringing up your items.  Man, that is just rude.  They ring at restaurants, at movies, at plays, during press conferences . . . enough.  Where were these people raised, in a barn, in a vacuum, or in their own perpetually obnoxious ego?  Every time I see someone walking around with a head piece talking loudly into a cell phone I think "You must really need to make yourself feel important by showing us all how indispensable you are - get over yourself."

I can recall one time when I was waiting to get some pictures at Costco when this man was behind me yelling into the back of my neck as he talked on his cell phone.  I mean it, he was yelling.  I even think there was a piece of spittle or two that flew my way.  Every time I would try to move up to get away from him, or alter my position, he would follow suit – you see, he took this trip to Lake Havasu, and this hot girl named April was there, and well, he is just so cool and April was so impressed, and he has the coolest job and all, with a great car, and clearly he felt my life would not be complete without sharing these details with me.  The kind of information spewed into the back of my neck would normally cause me to experience a gag reflex.  Did he care, no; he just kept on yelling into the back of my neck.  I think that cell phones need to require some hypersensitive microphone so that folks can somehow whisper and still get their information across.  Otherwise, next time I have a neck yeller behind me, I am going to start taking notes and post the information on the Internet, because clearly if you are willing to yell it at the back of my neck, you do not expect it to be kept private.

Finally, ring tones and cell phones – enough already.  I know that we all have phones, and that sometimes we need to customize the ring so we can tell whose phone is in fact ringing, but there has to be a limit.  Earlier this year I was at the hospital waiting for my mother as she was going through some pretty serious surgery.  Now, the last thing you want to hear when someone is cutting open a loved one is a somber song that makes you think about death.  Well, guess what?  Someone's phone rang and you know what song came out - Amazing Grace.  Good Grief.  That is exactly what I want to hear - Amazing Grace while sitting in a hospital waiting room for my mother to get through surgery.  I wanted to take a bat to the phone and put it out of my misery. 

We all drive, most of us have cell phones, and sometimes, we drive when using our cell phones.  The way things are going, civilization as we know it is coming to an end.  Our only hope:  get over yourself, get off the phone, put down the cigarette, and just drive your damn car.