December 19, 2004 – Deborah’s Rantees – Your Gift to Me.

It is the Holiday Season once again. And, for reasons known far too well to family and friends, this has not been the best of years for the Alexander Family.  This is arguably true for many people, especially if you are a Democrat, but suffice it to say, leaving politics out of the whole year-end analysis madness, I think it is fair to say that 2004 has pretty much sucked for my family.  Add on to that the fact that the holiday season is not my favorite time of year to begin with, and you get one hell of a struggle each December morning, pausing and fighting to urge to say “bite me” every time I am supposed to say “Season’s Greetings.”   

I swore to myself that 2004 was going to be a different year than 2003, and it was, I just did not think it would be a worse year.  But, in reflection, many of the things that failed me this past year were out of my control, and life, no matter how hard you try to prevent it, just happens.  All you can do is try and control that little corner that you occupy, and even that doesn’t work most of the time.  The one thing that has been within my control this past year has been this little web site.  And, in return for taking the time, when I have it, to post something, I have gotten back a tremendous gift from those of you who visit on occasion.  So, this holiday season, I wanted to thank you for taking the time to visit this web site and respond with your thoughts, ideas, questions, contradictions and commentaries. 

As I have said before, I am not sure what exactly prompted to start this web site, but I have been posting my musings, opinions, thoughts for over a year and a half now.  Unlike my sister, I had never really kept a journal, and, while I have always been political, my writing was usually reserved for work or the overwrought angst-filled private type of stuff that you think is really important the moment you write it, but seems kind of silly upon later reflection.  Nevertheless, I felt the need to not only find a voice within myself, but to share it with others.  I know I was very angry about the direction my country was going, and needed somehow to find out whether I was alone, or part of a larger community that silently sits and watches, without wading into the fray.

While many of my rants are political in nature, that is not true for all.  And increasingly, the political rants almost seem too easy to write.  So, I have varied the political rants with personal ones.  The rants that speak the loudest to me have nothing to do with politics.  Instead, they focus on family, love, loss, human decency and kindness.  And, some make me cry all over again when I read them.  I still cannot understand how you can behead someone in the name of God, or torture a prisoner to further Democracy.  I still try and fight the good fight, though I do not always know why or what I am fighting for.  And, I still miss my father terribly.

But, I think I finally figured out why I started this web site, and why I impose my opinions and thoughts on those who take the time to read my ramblings.  Ready?  Want to know?  OK, here it is.  I think I started this whole thing because I was in search of myself.  Not only had I lost my voice within me, but for a very long time, I also lost any idea of who I was as a person, or what I really wanted.      

So, at its core, this web site has been an exercise in self.  I had all of these opinions and ideas, but I was not sure whether they were part of a greater whole, or were just some random collection of an idea and experiences.  So I have been trying to see what causes the ideas and values to shape.  What is source of what I believe?  It is pretty easy to rant and rave about issues; it is far more difficult to be reflective and thoughtful about their source.    

I must thank you all for indulging me in my exercise in self.  The feedback I have gotten from some of you has help validate that whoever is hiding underneath all of these opinions is a decent, valuable person, who deserves better than what I have given her these past years.  It has literally taken me years to come to this realization.  When my father died, it accelerated an internal evaluation.  It forced me to realize that I do not want to be living the same life 10 years from now that I live today.  To a great extent, I believe that the person I am today is much less than she could be.  I want more, and am finally beginning to believe that I deserve more.  I am not always certain in this belief, but I am at least winning the war against self-doubt. Trust me; this is a huge victory in a very long battle. 

For years, like most people, I have been on a treadmill, trying to establish who I was based upon financial stability and professional achievements, while ignoring that neither of these things really define who I am.  I have let my job overtake me, define me.   I feared that unless I committed myself to my job the shadowy “they” would figure out that I really did not deserve the professional security I chased.   It was the best way I knew to avoid the risks and choices that make life interesting.  This must and will stop.  As I learned this past year, life is far too short, and I have yet to experience many of its blessings.  It is time I do so.

I have some very large decisions to make within the next few months:  I have had some thoughts about adopting a child.  Do I remain in Los Angeles?  Do I stay with my current employer?  Do I once again wade into the waters of relationships to try and finally find someone to share my life with?  These decisions are all intertwined with each other, and they all have to be considered.  And, decisions must be made.  I do not think I would have recognized much of this without you. 

So once again, thank you for helping me along this journey.  This web site has given me self-confidence and a sense of value that has not been with me in a very long time.  It has helped me affirm that I am someone unique, someone different, and someone a little different than the average bear. In some ways, it has been more therapeutic than years of therapy, because I have forced myself to try and be honest with myself and with you. I will still be ranting for the foreseeable future, rest assured.  The Bush Administration and the idiots that occupy the various cabinet positions have made that quite clear and alas, probably unfortunately, necessary.   But for now, just know that the gift you have given me this past year has provided a bright spot in an otherwise difficult time. 

Thank You and Happy Holidays.